(or any other kink/fetish/lifestyle/unusual interests for that matter)
You found the perfect guy/girl/penguin and want to start introducing them to your kinky side… but wait… how exactly do you go about doing that? Whether you’ve been in a relationship for years or are just starting a new one, it can be hard to bring up your kinks and interests. It can be embarrassing or you may just be scared your partner won't accept you… but have no fear! Deffy is here to help you along.
First things first. Let’s start off with some things to consider before you go and drop your bombshells…
Gauge your partner’s openness. Is your partner open minded and willing to try new things? Or are they more likely to jump on people for being different? If they are judgmental of others they might be of you as well. You can normally get a good idea of how open minded someone is based on how they react to other things in society. Although… why you’d be with someone who would judge others harshly is beyond me, but to each their own! Do you trust your partner with this side of you? Be sure you can. If things go bad will they blab about your kinks to everyone in town or will they respect your privacy? Be careful, especially with new relationships. Do your homework! Before you go telling someone about your kinks, be sure you know what you want. You may be taking a teacher role with them and will need information to explain. If you don’t feel you can explain it in words accurately, make a list. Lots of lists. Go overboard on this and be sure you are completely prepared for the “what’s that” questions that may arise. Don’t push it. This is a hard one, because we all want to be happy. You have to be able to accept that your partner may not want what you want. Or they may just not be comfortable. Don’t make them feel like they’ve done wrong by being honest with you. You want people to accept you, so you must give everyone else the same courtesy. This is especially important if you're trying to add the DD/lg dynamic to an existing long term relationship. Be ready for compromise and a lot of talking. It’s not going to be easy, but if you keep working on things and talking about them, eventually you’ll get there. Plan for the worst. Sure, we all hope things work out perfectly and everyone is happy forever, but this is life. Life is unpredictable and sometimes brutal. So take some time and really think about what you're willing to live without. If your partner doesn’t accept this information, will you leave? Plan, plan, plan. And when it comes time to talk, stand your ground. Don’t compromise on something you really need in your life just to please someone else. It won't work out in the end. And if you rely on this person for food or shelter, please consider emergency plans in case things go really, really badly.
Now… assuming you’ve planned and researched and taken all of the above into consideration… it’s time to start the process. For ease of use I have broken the next part down into 3 sections based on the type of your relationship and amount of exposure your partner has had to BDSM/other kinky type stuff.
“The Veteran Kinksters”
is for those of you with partners who are already well versed on the kinky world and everything crazy in it.
“The Long Term Switch-up”
is for those of you who have been in a serious vanilla relationship for a long period of time and are looking to add to it.
“The New Beginning”
is for those of you who are just starting out in a relationship and are ready to bring up your interests to your new love.
The Veteran Kinksters
Okay, so your partner and you are already pretty kinky. You may even already have a dom/sub type relationship. This makes your process much easier!
Step 1: consider what it is you want exactly. Write out a list of all the things you want to add to your relationship. Rules, new titles, diapers, etc. List it out so you can have something concrete to tell your partner. Step 2: Sit them down and tell them. There is really no need to beat around the bush if you are both already into some crazy stuff. Odds are you won’t even have to explain anything (but be sure you’re ready just in case they know nothing about DD/lg). Go over your list from step one and ask for their feedback. Step 3: Find a compromise that works for both of you and enjoy!
The Long Term Switch-up
So you’ve been with this person for a long time and you don’t want to lose them… but you just can’t ignore what you are anymore! Your path isn’t an easy one, and it might bring a lot of pain, but it’s worth it. No one wants to spend their life denying what they are. Trust that your partner loves you and that even though they may not want or accept all of the DD/lg aspects, that they will listen and work with you to find a balance.Just remember to listen as much as you speak.
Step 1: Research like crazy! Spend time figuring out what you really want and be absolutely sure it’s something you need in your life. Once you tell them, you can never undo it. I suggest mulling it over for at least a few months before you move on to step two. You need to be 100% sure because you are taking a risk with your relationship whenever you make a big change. Step 2: Make a million lists and plans. Basically continuing step one, but this time you’re making lists you will eventually show your partner. Things you like and don’t like. Punishments you're okay with and rules. Anything that will help give them direction to what you want. Step 3: Test the waters. Start sending memes and cute pictures that have a DD/lg theme to them. Send them pictures of little things you want like stuffies and clothing. Nothing too crazy and out there… but just enough to start the familiarization. Show them blogs and websites devoted to DD/lg and other BDSM type things. Call them daddy/mommy in bed or try and suggest easy rules for yourself they they then can enforce. You're pretty much exposing them to the things you like and waiting to see if they freak out or not. If they don’t go bonkers then move on to step four. If they hate what you’re sending them or start acting like it's insane, tread carefully. Step 4: Ask them what they think of your kink. In the abstract of course. This gives you a chance to see if they are curious about it too or if it’s not really their thing. Step 5: Take their reactions to step three and four into consideration. Re-work your lists and plans based off the way they reacted. If they were interested and curious about it, you're probably fine. If they seemed hesitant about it or said it was gross, you’ll want to really think about what you're willing to live without. Maybe shorten your list of wants to absolute least you can accept. Step 6: Sit them down and talk to them. Show them all your lists and go over everything. Be sure to tell them that you know they might not be interested and you accept that, but this is something you can’t live without; That it’s not that they aren’t enough but that you're changing and exploring a side to yourself that you hadn’t before. Reassure them that you're willing to compromise and find a balance that can leave you both happy. Step 7: Communicate like crazy! It’s not going to be an overnight change. You're going to have to put in some serious work but you can get there. Trust me, I’ve been there and it can work out. Trust that your partner loves and respects you enough to take this journey with you.
The New Beginning
So you’ve just started seeing someone but you want to be sure they are going to be okay with your kinks. Or maybe you’ve been out looking for a potential caregiver or little and think you’ve found the perfect candidate. Either way, you’ve decided it’s time to have the talk.
You're basically going to follow the path above but you won't need to be so cautious.
Step 1: Assuming you’ve already done your research… think out what you want this person to be for you. List out your perfect relationship dynamic. The positives for doing this early on is that you can build your relationship around your dynamic. Step 2: For this step I recommend Step 3 of The Long Term Switch-up. Or just consider moving on. Another bonus of doing this early on is that you can always just cut your loses. Step 3: Sit them down and tell them. Be open minded about what they are okay with and not okay with. Offer to compromise but make it clear you aren’t going to live without the things you want. You haven’t invested as much time in this relationship yet, so don’t give up the things you want just to stay with them. Remember, You’re probably going to be their guide through all of this so be sure you listen to them when they voice concerns.
Hopefully you make it through this process and come out on top. But even if it didn’t go as planned… you’ve voiced your needs and I’m proud of you! You’re wonderful and you have the right to enjoy your life the way you want to.
PS: Below are two of my favorite blogs for general info and things like that. But you can always Google and find tons more!
Edited by @Saki, @bearslilkitten, And @Glenn