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Journey to DDlg Part II

Rosalie

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It's been a super long time since I wrote the first part of this which you can find here! 

 

So I'd researched into DDlg and found that it was something that really got my motor running, and intrigued me to no end! I followed a bunch of blogs and sent anonymous asks so that Teddy wouldn't accidentally bump into one of my questions and figure out that this was something I was interested in. I wanted to have that conversation just him and me, but I was super nervous. Knowing all I know now about the kink community, my kinks don't seem quite so ... well kinky! But at the time this was a HUGE step for me in embracing my sexuality. I wanted to be guided and taught, dominated but ultimately cared for. I did struggle with the kind of 'whats wrong with me' question a lot of us in the kink community ask ourselves at one point or another, which made it even harder to bring it up with Teddy (at the time being referred to as Sir). Although in hindsight I maybe wasn't being as a subtle as I had hoped; my blog on Tumblr had evolved from BDSM related, black and white, artsy pictures of men posing in suits (completely stereotypical, limited, cringeworthy stuff to me now) to more loving and caring images of soft subs with pink collars, hugging their dominants legs or receiving aftercare. I spent this morning going through my blog's archive from October 2013 to now and boy oh boy has it changed over the years! I can see myself trying to be something I'm not in the very beginning; I was using lewd language I would never use now and I remember feeling very uncomfortable about it then. I was trying to fit into the role of what I thought a submissive was. I'll tell you now, though it was an awkward, long, confusing transition, the road from D/s to DDlg was so totally worth it. Looking back my relationship wasn't as fulfilling as it is now because I wasn't sharing all parts of me with my partner. So, how to bring it up exactly? 

 

I'm going to be honest, it's a little hazy as it happened so long ago. However, I do remember that it took me ages of dancing around the subject and avoiding the actual scary words before finally explaining what I had learned about DDlg. I showed him the blogs I liked, the bookmarked pages, the pictures etc. He was very calm and listened though I could tell none of what I was saying was particularly exciting to him. The bondage, rules, punishments side of things was less foreign to us at the time so there was no problem with that. However, the part about pacifiers, ageplay and stuffies somewhat confused him. I tried to explain that even though it was a kink, not everything was for purely sexual purposes. I explained how my love of Disney, arts & crafts, girly outfits etc all fit with what I saw in the dynamic and he started to put the pieces together. To be honest this was a discussion that lasted weeks; after that first interaction he began doing his own research and I would send him stuff I was interested in too. Our one absolute boundary we had found was that the name 'Daddy' was not one we were comfortable with. That was his first hard limit regarding the dynamic, so we stuck with 'Sir' for a long time. He also wasn't too keen on sippy cups and pacifiers at the time either. We eased ourself in with writing out new rules and punishments. We even started a 'Baby Book' which, as we were living about an hour and a half away from each other at the time, made the distance easier in regards to DDlg. This consisted of 'tasks' I was given each week by Teddy that I had to complete by the end of the week. I would stick colouring pages in there, I would write out assignments in there and tick off a task when it was complete. Each week Teddy would write a 'report' on how well I did that week and how I could improve. We even had a gold star system at one point! He started to get really involved and excited about our new dynamic.

 

A few months later he went from being called 'Sir' to being called 'Teddy' which both of us preferred! It felt much better suited to him and his character, and to our dynamic. We gradually introduced sippy cups and pacifiers. Teddy recently divulged to me that he was never actively turned off by those items, he just felt uneasy because it was all so new and taboo. It also took him a while to fully understand that those items weren't sexual to me, they were a source of comfort (and super pretty too!). It's now been around 4 ish years (it's difficult to pin point) since we fully embraced DDlg into our lives and we've learned a few dos and don'ts in that time! If you're looking into starting a DDlg or CGl relationship, these are some things you might want to keep in mind. These are just my thoughts based on my personal experiences. 

1) There is always more to learn! 

No matter how many years you've been into DDlg or CGL, how many caregiver partners, sub/little partners or ageplay partners you've had, how many forums you are a member of, there is always more to learn! If you ever meet anyone who claims they have mastered the dynamic completely and never feels the need to read, learn or grow within the kink, I'd be very concerned for them. Talk to others within the kink community! Read their blogs and their articles, listen to their podcasts and (if you get the chance) talk to them at meet ups! There are so many interesting points of view within the community, so soak up as much of it as you can! This is something usually associated with dominants, but subs and switches should be just as knowledgeable! Smart is sexy ;) 

2) Communication is key.

I'm sure you've read this 100 times but it's so true. Be open and honest, but respectful. This seems simple but is actually very difficult! Wording, tone and body language are all important factors in how you communicate your feelings without making the other person feel attacked. Instead of saying "I don't like it when you XYZ" you could say "I would feel more comfortable if instead of XYZ you would try ABC, is that okay with you?". Basically always keep a positive, honest and clear line of communication open between you and your partner/s. Be clear with your limits, your turn ons and turn offs etc. 

3) Don't rush! 

This dynamic is so beautiful, so complex and so rewarding but it requires time and respect. You have to respect that this dynamic isn't something to be entered into lightly. Of course we all want to get to the fun, intimate and exciting bit, but don't rush there! The process is so important. Do your research, get to know the person really well and I mean REALLY well. You need to trust this person 100% which, in my opinion, you can't do you if only met them online a few weeks ago! No responsible dom OR sub should rush into such an intense relationship. Enjoy getting to know each other before you throw around labels and titles. There is much more to them than their 'role'. I see time and time again 'what can I do to cheer up my little' which, while very sweet and totally well intentioned, makes me wonder if you know them well enough. But that's a whole other blog post! 

4) Appreciate them. 

It's easy to overlook the little things your partner does for you, something small to you might seem big to them! Gratitude and appreciation are so important in making your partner feel loved. If they are trying out something new e.g a new Daddy, Mommy or Caregiver is learning how to enforce your rules, be encouraging and supportive! Don't get cross or upset with them for not getting it right away, it's a learning curve so appreciate their efforts and help as much as you can. Even if you aren't their first CGl partner, every person is different and it will take a little while to adjust to your specific likes/dislikes and general character when it comes to the dynamic! 

5) It's okay not to be perfect! 

You will notice that a lot of articles, blogs and CGl or DDlg individuals usually focus on the good parts of their relationship when talking to others. Beautifully shot Tumblr pictures don't show the bad times. The 'perfect' bruises and marks on that girl or boy's behind does not show all the time, effort and learning gone into mastering that skill. The little sitting happily on their caregiver's lap doesn't show the arguments, the struggles, the bad times that led them to that intimate moment of happiness. It's a journey, and that journey won't always be perfect, and that is absolutely, positively, 100% OKAY! Don't strive for CGl 'couple goals' or compare yourselves to others. 

 

In short, my DDlg / CGl journey isn't over. Teddy and I are coming up to our 6 year anniversary this month; in that time we've completed our A Levels, our higher education (though Teddy is hoping to do a PHD so his education will continue for some time!), we've lived apart, we've lived together, we've moved three times, we've gone through health problems and family problems and it's still been the best six years of my life. I'll let you know how the next six years go! 

If you got this far, thanks for reading and have a lovely day! 

 



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